Faith

I have always believed in GOD, and yet, today, I sit and wonder, why? I wonder, is he real, does he exist, and yet right after I think that, I pray to him. Hypocritical or just reflex? Do I believe, or am I consumed by fear for mother, that I am just lashing out?

In my heart, I believe, but my mind quesions that faith, especially as I watch Mom's health worsen. I love her, I don't want her to die, even if she is 91. I never want her to die, we are that close, and maybe that is wrong, unhealthy, and yet, I am her son. How can I not love her, want her to be around for as long as possible?

I can't accept some plan, some unknown reason, for her to die, nor do I think I should. I can't accept that a GOD who creates life, takes it and that is it. There has to be more, because that is what my faith says, and yet my common sense, says it can't be true. It says, there can be no heaven, no after life, or we'd know, but then, how would we?

Is it because we have never heard, or seen it happen? Is the whole thing merely made up, to help us accept the finality of death, of one we love, and cherish? I can't believe that, I won't believe that, because then the pain becomes too great, to much to bear, and I'd rather die too. And yet, I love life, I think.

This is a test, they say, of faith, and yet I wonder, who would be so cruel, as to test us this way? How can one who creates life, be so cruel? I lover her, I don't want it to end, and yet, there is nothing I can do. I am not HIM, I am just who he created, through her. And how I wish I was him, to be able to end the suffering, the pain, and to grant life, to make it be okay.