An Endless Wait

Not a good night, to be honest. Chest pains, from thinking too much about what is going to eventually happen, and how it will impact me and David. I know, one shouldn't dwell on it, but the heart doesn't always listen to the mind.

I believe that our mind is just an extension of our inner self, that in truth, the heart guides us, and at times, it just won't let the mind use reason, or logic, to determine what we think of, or not. I suppose you could call it your soul talking to you, and maybe that is true, for those who believe we have a soul.

Odd for me, to be thinking so much of GOD, but then again, given how things are, maybe it isn't so odd. Maybe that is a defense mechanism man has developed, for when things are out of their hands, out of their control. To look to another being, for the answers, even if we don't get any. Maybe it is selfish, but I want Mom to live as long as possible, even though I can see it in her eyes, that she wants to move on.

Her believe, and mine, is that there is an after life. I find it hard to accept that when our physical being ends, that is it. There are so many things that make us unique, that to me, there has to be more than just the years we are on this planet. I don't know what it is, but I guess I am being whimsical, in hoping there is more.

Yet, I see it in her eyes, how she longs for that place she's believed in, and in how she hopes Dad is there, and her own parents. I hope they are, and I hope I too will find them, but that doesn't make the waiting easy. Part of me wants her to be at peace, to not struggle with the simple chores like eating, like walking, and so I imagine that the next phase of her being, will ease that, will be happier, less stressful, and yet I can't be certain of it.

Faith is about believing in what you cannot prove, or see. Yet it is easy to say, I believe, but a lot harder to actually mean it. Perhaps that is the test, itself. Death may be final, and there may indeed be no after life, and yet how we deal with it, how we cope in preparing for it, is part of just being. At the same time, it becomes the ultimate test of our faith.

Do we truly believe in him?

If we do, then we may grieve, may suffer, but ultimately we wind up accepting the end, and hold onto the dream, that we will one day, meet back up with those who have left us. I don't know, but this endless waiting, is not easy, faith is not as simple as it sounds.