Memory

I think one of the hardest aspects of dealing with someone elderly, is their memory. Is their forgetfullness simply old age, or a symptom of something far worse? Is it a sign of altzheimer's or is it a sign of an infection?

How do you read the signs?

There is no easy answer, and how you cope with someone's fixated memory of what isn't real, is a hard one to make. One nurse suggested confrontation, which just, well seems cruel to me. Bad enough they are having memory issues, worse to be made to feel like they are losing their mind.

Mom is having these issues, but I wonder, if it isn't some underlying problem, to do with her weakness? Could it be a lack of oxygen to the brain, which is why she is puffing so much of the time?

It is at times like this, I wish we had a decent doctor to help. Granted I am moving her to another Doctor, that should be better, but there is a wait list, and how long that will be, is anyone's guess. In the meantime, we tread water, hoping nothing serious happens, until the change is made.

And yet, I dont know. I have always believed that the sooner you catch something amiss, the easier it is to fix. So am I taking too big of a risk, and should I maybe pester our current doctor? Granted he's not easy to get ahold of, and once he does appear, he doesn't seem to have any answers. So is it a waste of time to spend that energy on him, or should I concentrate on just being vigil, until the new Doctor can get onto the case?

People don't get it

I've known him for years, but bottom line seems to be about business, about a lot of things, but being supportive. I don't understand people, and their reluctance to be supportive. Maybe I expect too much, or maybe I really am out of sync with the world. To me, looking after Mom is a full time job, but one out of love.

I suppose I could just dump her in a home, and walk away, but it would tear me up more than worrying about how to help her, is doing. I doubt I'd sleep a few minutes more than I do now, because that is how she raised me, with real values and not just words.

I listen to the bullshit from people like Harper, or the religious right, or even the Pope, and it turns my gut, because they speak the words, but won't put their own lives on the line, when it counts. Nothing but friggin words, no substance, no balls.

It damn well sucks, dealing with a person who is old, who is dying. No matter how you slice it, that is what is happening, and no, I don't like it, I hate it, but I have to accept it, but I'll be damned if I do it quietly, or without one friggin fight.

So if people don't want to be supportive, well, screw them.

Doing what is right is not easy, nor is it filled with rewards either, but you know, it does let me get those few minutes of sleep, so I can keep going.

It Never Seems to get Better

For me, writing is an outlet, a venting of sorts. Not really working well, given as the stress doesn't seem to go down, least not that I am noticing.

Today was the weekly weigh in for Mom. In some ways, wish I had her problem, of losing, but for her, not good. So last week she gained a half pound, this week, lost a pound.

She's eating well, even back to having something at lunch, but she lost a pound. Now I don't know, but seems to me that she has to be either pooping too much now, and not, somehow, knowing it, or there is something more serious happening.

Problem is, the Doctor is aware of her rapid weight loss, ordered blood work, and so far, not a peep out of him. And in the meantime, I keep struggling forward, trying to keep cool, trying to keep on top of things. I don't know who to listen to, or not.

She's on laxatives, 2 a night, but I cut that down to 1 a night for 2 nights, then nothing. And yet, if she is plugged, it is a risk. I can't follow her into the bathroom, and can only sneak around. If she hasn't flushed, I can see, or by my sense of smell, but is it poop or gas?

This is tough, and I know, it isn't going to get easier. I don't even know how I can handle this, or even continue. I have to, but still, my guts are in knots, and now I am resorting to laxatives, not every night, but after a few days, sometimes. I know it is stress, but how do you relieve it, how do you stop your mind from thinking the worse, imagining the worse, hoping for the best, yet knowing it won't be?

I can't crawl under the covers, I want to, but I can't. Yet I can't face this each and every day for hour on end. I wonder, how does this all fit?

Meal Times

When looking after someone who is 91, meal time becomes an experience, and I think, is the most dangerous time. Least it feels that way to me, because that is the time when the potential for added choking spells seem to be the highest.

Breakfast is one of those times, when things aren't always the greatest. It is after getting up, so there is the natural grogginess, but how do you tell if it is from sleep, or something else?

Then you have the strained breathing. Now that can also be from sleep, then suddenly having to move around, to go to the bathroom, wash up and such. So the added exertion and just waking up, can be the cause for feeling weak, for moving slower than normal, or again, it could be something else.

This is how it goes, morning after morning, and after an episode or so, well, the nerves gets frayed, as you try to be impartial, to try and assess if the weakness, or other symptoms, are from sleep, or something else. It is a constant worry, that adds to your own stress levels.

And while eating, you try to be unobtrusive, but you keep wanting to watch, to insure you are ready to act, if a choking spell comes on. The risk is great, as their is food, liquids, and pill taking. You keep an eye, while trying to work, or write these posts.  You have one ear cocked for abnormal sounds, that might indicate an upcoming choking spell.

Stubborn

Went shopping with David today, to get a tax program, and a few things mom needed at Zellers. Had to mail off an item too, that David sold from his online import site. Not earth shattering stuff, but time consuming. And there comes the problem.

Figure we were gone near two hours, maybe 90 minutes as we dawdled a bit. Not often we have the chance to get out and not rush back. We even stopped and grabbed some fancy breads, but coming home only highlighted that those days of leisure shopping excursions are pretty well over.

She had backed into a heater, she says, and in the course of it, knocked a vase over and some water onto my computer desk upstairs. Just a desk with some zip drives, and login notes. Nothing earth shattering, and the phone was on the floor. The vase broke, but she picked up the pieces and everything was in the kitchen, but it sent shivers down the old spine.

What if she had fallen, not just tripped a bit but held her feet? What is she had hit her head, or something? Maybe a lamp fall on her, or God only knows what?

It makes you not want to go out, but at the same time, it makes her feel like she is becoming a burden. Sort of a no win situation. If I go out, I fret, worry, and with cause I think. If I don't, then I put a lot of added work onto David, which isn't what he signed on for when we got married. Then too, it makes Mom unhappy, which isn't good for her health.

So for me, I suppose the answer is to grit the teeth, take lots more tums or rolaids, and not dawdle while shopping. Have to make it seem normal, and not let on that it is a nightmare now, to go out. I mean, the vase thing, could have been prevented IF I had been here, which I wasn't.

Now, that will haunt me, but is there another answer? I really wish I knew.

No Means No

I tell you, these tele marketers are the most annoying, most rude group of people around. I could never do their job, because I am just not that mean, nor that insensitive. I hate the way they call, wanting your support for a charity, then when you decline, they put on the full court press.

To begin with, NO, means just that.

Second, most charities that use these telemarketers, an assumption by the way, obviously don't need my money, if they can afford to give out huge cuts to these type of operations. If they can afford to pay these people, they can afford to make better use of the money.

As a kid, I went out door to door with Mom for a couple of local charities. We had doors slammed in our faces, had every excuse under the sun, but we managed to collect some decent amounts. It wasn't easy, but hey, I got to spend time walking, and with mom. Heck, sometimes dad would come along too, and it became a family outing, that also did something worthwhile.

Sure doesn't happen today, does it?

I don't get it, anymore. We had fun, and yes it was work, but so? I mean it contributed to those who needed it, and well, it just felt good. Now it is all by telephone, by people who are being paid for it, who have one object, to reach an objective, so they can get more money, not so the charity can.

I know the excuses too, that at least they get something, they wouldn't ordinarily get, but honestly, have we all become that selfish, that uncaring, that we no longer care to help others in need?

Guess so.

Wash Day

Another new home support worker today, which turns out to be okay. The last one was nice, just a real language barrier, which isn't good when dealing with an elderly woman, who has hearing issues.

The one today, seemed more friendly than any of the others. More pleasent, and talkative, which I think helps. It gets Mom more talkative, makes her think too, which is good for her. And the wash up, was, well, better than the others. Plus she applied the lotion and cream, that mom needs for her legs & tushie.

And yet, once again, the private outfit running this for the Government, has yet to provide the so called 'yellow book' that helps any 'new' worker to know exactly what is required.  Plus, it is supposed to be where they can list any issues, which can be followed up by other workers, and by medical personnel.

For example, a rash or something on Mom's tushie, would be listed, and could be followed, as to severity, etc.  The Government end seem to have a good grasp of this principle, yet the private firm seems unaware of how important it is. Makes you wonder, is it due to their cost cutting methods, or they are simply too lazy to visit and set it up, as mandated by their contract?

How do you tell someone?

Mom has gotten into a habit of taking big gulps of juice, and holding it in her mouth. Now, that in and of itself, isn't serious or bad even. What is serious, is that 9 out of 10 times she chokes on it, because honestly, she has forgotten it is in her mouth.

Either that, or she is trying to dissolve the pills she takes, which is also a no no, according to the pharmacist.

Yet when I tell her, that she needs to swallow, not hold the fluid in her mouth, she gives me this blank stare, as if wondering what I am talking about. On some occasions, she has even said she doesn't do it, which is hard to dispute, given she says it, while having the liquid in her mouth.

So how do you tell her?

A nurse suggested using a firm authoritive voice, and commanding she swallow, which to me, sounds wrong. Not only that, I simply can't do that, because she is Mom, and I am her son.  You don't strip a person of their dignity, but you do need to find a way to get the needed result, which in this case, is to swallow while drinking.

And I haven't a clue how to do this, yet.

Morning Reality

Odd at how your life changes, dictated by the situation of life?

I am a night person, have been for most of my entire life, where I was always the last to go to sleep, last to get up in the morning. Going to school was a chore, because it meant getting up in the morning. As an adult my life was to sleep in, when possible, and now that I look after Mom, that hadn't changed much, until recently.

Now I am still the last to go to bed, but the first to wake up, to be upstairs for/ or if, anything happens as Mom gets up. She has fallen before, so better to be closer, not have to get dressed and rush up, or look for a robe after hearing the crashing sound.

Yet, even being up, the fear is there. You peek your head in, to check and make sure the chest is rising, or to hear signs of anything, to convince yourself that all things are the same. 

Hell of a way to start a day, and yet, inside I know. It is going to get harder, which scares me. Am I strong enough to deal with this, can I cope with this and still manage to run the household?

Yet there really isn't a choice, is there? This is life with a 91 year old.

Talking out of Turn

So a home care Nurse was in this afternoon, and she was nice, did the usual check of blood pressure and listening to Mom's lungs. I rather like that, seeing as how our Doctor has yet to call or show up, since I rushed Mom to the hospital last week.

Problem was, she started talking about how she couldn't hear any air entry into the left side of her lungs. Now that is alarming, and yet, perhaps not. Like I would know?

She suggested we take her to see the Doctor, which has me wondering, do they read the blasted paperwork? I mean to begin with, they are coming to the house, because she can't get out, to a clinic or office. So isn't suggesting she go out to see a Doctor a bit, well, stupid?

Then she made like it might be something normal, because the other Nurse had noted it. Well, that was news to me, because what the other Nurse had noticed, was a bit of congestion. Least that is what she told me, now I am getting a different story?

It irritates me, because yes, Mom is almost 92, but does that mean she isn't entitled to the best care? Should a Nurse be discussing something serious, in front of her?  I mean, I spent the afternoon afterwards, reassuring Mom that it wasn't serious, just something added to keep an eye on.

Like just what I needed, and just what she needed?  Talk about a total lack of common sense.

Dignity

Today is mother's bath day. I have a home support worker come in, to help her with a shower. So far, we've had about 4 different workers, today being the first repeat worker.  Last week, this one was nice, though her English is a bit hard to comprehend. 

It didn't go good, least in my mind.

To begin with, you don't bring an elderly woman out of the bathroom, with just a towel draped over her shoulders, her front and bottom totally exposed. Sure I am her son, but come on, give the woman some dignity.

Then too, why send someone whose command of English is so poor? I haven't a problem with people who have a different first language, think its good actually, but if you are helping someone who speaks English, you need to be able to communicate with them. Especially when that person has some hearing issues.

Yet, the dignity thing has me upset. It almost seems like they simply don't care, that it is more about getting in and out, than it is about helping, about caring.

American Movie Channel

It is one of those movie channels, that we get in our cable package, and at the beginning, the only commercials it had, was for itself. Something I never really understood, because you get it, whether you want it or not.  Still it had some interesting films, and now & then I find one worth watching.

Now I get the need for commercials, because that is how they pay for bringing us their line up. Least that is the explanation, but I have to wonder about the people in charge, who decide when to air the commercials, and how many.

Last night, watched Hellfighters with John Wayne & Tim Hutton. I rather liked it, but I simply got so pissed off with AMC, that I really feel like strangling their edit department. I mean, the movie is a bit longer than many of today's crap, but the commercial breaks weren't too annoying...  at first.

The end of the show, is the most dramatic portion, so the last 15 minutes of the show, had not one commercial break, not two, but FOUR commercial breaks inserted into the movie.  Like that is going to make me want to buy the advertised products?

And for the record, the breaks weren't one or two minutes, but averaged about four minutes in length. Worse is, the commercials were also the EXACT SAME.  Now, I mean, I get the need for them, but uh, spacing them out as they did for the last 15 minutes, not only ruined the ending, but it made me convinced NOT TO BUY from those sponsors.

It has also made me not want to watch that channel.

Flag of Truce

According to many reports, the captured Pirate, had shown up, under a flag of truce, and yet, was seized by US personnel.  I suppose, one can find a way to justify that, though I would be a bit hard pressed to.

Then there is his age. Seems they can't be certain if he is 18, 20, or 16, which also makes me wonder, what is it about seizing kids, and holding them for trial, that the USA is so enamored with?  There are rules about dealing with kids, yet it seems they are more 'rules of convenience'.

Then there is the whole issue of Jurisdiction.

The government had considered handing Wal-i-Musi over to authorities in Kenya, which has an international agreement to prosecute pirates.

Officials decided to send him to trial in New York in part because the FBI office there has a history of handling cases in Africa involving major crimes against Americans, such as the al-Qaeda bombings of two U.S. embassies in East Africa in 1998.

If Kenya has the right, then why is he in the USA?  So the FBI has experience in foreign bombings, what does that have to do with Pirates? I mean using the logic applied by the USA, perhaps he should have been sent to Israel, who has a lot more experience than the USA in terrorist bombings, across the Globe, not to mention kidnappings of nationals.

Maybe they should send him to London, who has some good experience on that too, so why the USA? So some federal prosecutor can make a name for himself, add a nice tid bit to his/her resume?

Crimes committed internationally, should be dealt with on an international level, just as they have been done, prior to George W. Bush.  Can anyone say 'Nuremburg Trials'?

Yet the USA seems to go its own way, without consultation with its allies, never mind the entire interested parties. Ships were seized, people held for ransom, and even killed, so it is an issue that goes beyond the borders of the United States. Not to mention, it happened in waters that are considered International, and are considered to be under the Internation Jurisdiction, not the United States.

Seems to me, a bit of bullying is going on here, and that Justice, is once more being perverted, for the benefit of a select few, not for the benefit of the global community.

Comment Diarhea

Don't get me wrong, I like to have comments on the things I say, kind of helps let me know that I am not talking to an empty room, but geez, the one comment I rejected, was longer than all my posts here.

Simply common sense, want your comment approved, don't make the comment more than a few hundred words.  A novel isn't going to get approved, nor really is one that is, well, too rude even for me.

By that I simply mean, call me a moron, call me stupid, but don't call people bags of shit, and such. It simply detracts from your message. 

I give my opinion, you give yours, and who knows, we might find common ground, or agree to disagree, but let's do it in a civil manner, where possible. I am just exciteable as anyone, so no, I am not going to censor comments, but I won't post comments that are nothing but cursing, degrading, or novel length.

Oil Drops Again

The price per barrel of oil is at about $46 a barrel, and in February hit the low of $35 and yet, did you notice what you were paying at the pump? Was it the same price you used to pay, when Oil was at those prices per barrel?  I sure as hell wasn't, in fact, Oil didn't drop all that much at the pump, and has jumped around a bit, and yet it is at record lows for the last few years.

Tell me again Stephen Harper, Republicans, Conservatives, how the market place sets the price, based on supply and demand? Tell me again, at how these companies, that have nearly driven the entire world into a global depression, are market based, not fueled by greed?

The supply is down, the world situation is unchanged, including North Korea being naugty, and yet the price per barrel is down, because.. wait for it... the buyers are nervous about corporate profits?

If we truly want to end the recession, here is a novel approach. Make industry justify its outrageous prices for its garbage, they call goods. Make industries like the Oil Industry, justify why its price at the consumer level is higher than what it was, when at the same cost, years ago. Instead of rewarding them with new trade agreements, that allow them to ship jobs abroad, allow them to produce cheaper products, that they still charge premium prices for, make them accountable for their greed.

Want to end the recession, STOP THE GREED OF THE OIL INDUSTRY.

Television Marathons

Last night, on Mystery Channel, was a Law & Order Criminal marathon. Tonight it is having a Law & Order SVU marathon, and next Sunday, the National Geographic Channel is having a Dogtown marathon.  There may be other marathons happening, but really, it is rather a piss off.

I don't mind watching a few episodes, back to back, now & then. I just would like to choose when, and not have them interrupt my normal viewing pleasures, like watching Bones at midnight Sunday.

I think what ticks me off the most, is that these channels already over expose these shows, as it is. I mean you can rarely turn on the Mystery Channel without there being some episode of Law & Order.  Then too, they are on at least four or five days a week, so uh, like I need a marathon?

Makes you also wonder, why these so called channels can't buy enough other shows, to make their channel run a full schedule. Okay, maybe not a full 24 hours, but come on, most of these speciality channels offer no more than 6 hours of programming, that is then run in a loop, already repeating, what are repeats to begin with.

Kind of sounds to me, like the owners are just plain cheap & greedy.

Not so Simple

Guilt, a powerful emotion.

I need to get out, to at least show David how to select produce, when to not get something, when to get it. How to choose an onion, or head of lettuce, but then the guilt sets in.

He isn't stupid, so he should be able to figure that stuff out, but then, when you watch the pennies, you really can't afford to let him learn from his mistakes. Then there is Mother.

A bit of time away, won't hurt, logically and rationally thinking, yet in the back of the mind is, the thought that, that is exactly when something will happen, that will have catastrophic results, because one got selfish, & went out shopping.

Damned if you, damned if you don't.

Maybe in a few more days, but then, will it ever be any better?  Will the guilt to be out, to want to be out, even if for a half hour or 45 minutes, be pushed aside? Then what if, that famous thought pattern, of impending doom.

What if I do go shopping, even for less than an hour, and come back to her slumped in her chair, or worse, spread down on the floor? How does one live with that type of endless guilt, because it would be endless. To go out, to have a trauma happen, there is no way to simply chalk it up to life, to fate.

Common Sense tells me, it is stupid, irrational to think this way, because bottom line is, when it happens, it will happen. To sit around, in a state of perpetual fear of it happening, isn't going to stop it, isn't going to lessen the impact of it, and yet, the guilt, it does hold one back.

Nothing is Easy

There are times, when I don't know, just wish things would go simpler, be easier, but it always seems, to wind up being complicated.

I know, I need to be home, yet I have a life too, or should, shouldn't I? I mean, how can I go out, with mom in her condition? I mean even if I did, I'd be worrying, rushing, and that isnt fair to David, but then, neither is not going out with him.

A definate conflict, and one that only adds to the whole stress of the situation. What can a person do? I know I'd certainly not want to leave her alone, nor do I trust in the support staff that I could draw on, so it becomes a balancing act, one I don't think I can quite pull off.

Life is becoming too complicated.

Faith

I have always believed in GOD, and yet, today, I sit and wonder, why? I wonder, is he real, does he exist, and yet right after I think that, I pray to him. Hypocritical or just reflex? Do I believe, or am I consumed by fear for mother, that I am just lashing out?

In my heart, I believe, but my mind quesions that faith, especially as I watch Mom's health worsen. I love her, I don't want her to die, even if she is 91. I never want her to die, we are that close, and maybe that is wrong, unhealthy, and yet, I am her son. How can I not love her, want her to be around for as long as possible?

I can't accept some plan, some unknown reason, for her to die, nor do I think I should. I can't accept that a GOD who creates life, takes it and that is it. There has to be more, because that is what my faith says, and yet my common sense, says it can't be true. It says, there can be no heaven, no after life, or we'd know, but then, how would we?

Is it because we have never heard, or seen it happen? Is the whole thing merely made up, to help us accept the finality of death, of one we love, and cherish? I can't believe that, I won't believe that, because then the pain becomes too great, to much to bear, and I'd rather die too. And yet, I love life, I think.

This is a test, they say, of faith, and yet I wonder, who would be so cruel, as to test us this way? How can one who creates life, be so cruel? I lover her, I don't want it to end, and yet, there is nothing I can do. I am not HIM, I am just who he created, through her. And how I wish I was him, to be able to end the suffering, the pain, and to grant life, to make it be okay.

Another Fall

A restless night's sleep, and then annoying radio's that keep buzzing, even when you unplug them. Then while waiting for mom to get up, washed, she falls.

Each time, it is like a knife in the heart, as you see her prone on the floor or twisted in some odd configeration. You worry that maybe she broke something, or did some other damage, then breathe a sigh of relief, when it turns out to be nothing more than a few bruises.

Yet following up on yesterday, the fall becomes more worrisome. Is it from weakness, stress, or is there some underlying problem causing her to lose co-ordination?

This is when you wish you had a Doctor, who you could talk to, who could give you reassurances, at least. One who you were comfortable in knowing that at least everything possible, is being done to find out what is happening. Right now, that simply isn't the case, and it makes one more nervous, more frightened, more alone.

Here I am, 54 years old, acting like a baby, but she is my mother, we are close, have a bond, and it is hard to cope with, never mind actually deal with. It is hard to not want to just bury one's head in their hands and cry, but then, that won't help her, so you bite your lip, try to keep the fear out of your voice.

For now, I know I have medical experts I can reach out to. They may not be as professional as one would hope, but at least I don't have to worry about paying for whatever is needed. Makes some small comfort, but it also makes me grateful for living in Canada. How parents or children, must feel, when they have no insurance, no health care plan like we do, is incomprehensible to me.

The fear, loneliness they must feel, when things like this happen. It is bad enough, having a Doctor who isn't up to speed, or comforting, but to have no doctor? No resource to really fall back on? That has to be an even worse nightmare, and I really wonder, how did we all let it happen?

Stress

Ever have those days, when everything starts off just fine, or at least everything seems under control, then WHAM everything is the shits?

This was one of those days.

Had the Nurse in, who figures they don't need to come again, as things are back on track. The new Doctor seems satisfied, and we are on his short list, and even Mom seemed more talkative, more animated than she has been. Not so tired, or weak, and motored around not too bad, then suddenly it all changed.

She fell asleep, in her chair, which she rarely does, papers everywhere, then a few bouts of waking up, acting like she was not asleep, or that the newspaper was all over the floor, then back to sleep.

Then waking up, third, maybe fourth time, and totally disorientated. Started talking about Dad and my cousin, as if it was just yesterday, when Dad has been dead now, seven years today. My cousin was here, about a year ago, but not when Dad was around. Her voice got slurred, her movement became more disjointed, awkward. Her eyes looked blank, and she couldn't seem to focus for long on anything, then a bad choking spell, before she even had the juice glass to her mouth, and she continued to drink, even though choking.

Paramedics, and trip to the hospital later, and she is fine, as if nothing had happened. Meantime, I listen for every sound out of place, for every noise, that shouldn't be there.

My guts are in a knot, and I can feel my own heart still pounding, and we've been home for four hours now. Yet something happened, though the Doctor couldn't find anything wrong, at the ER. Blood work showed normal, ekg or whatever they call it, showed normal. Blood pressure was not elevated, and yet, now and then she goes off into a trance.

Short term memory is random now, and she can ask a question, get the answer, then ask again, acting like it is the first time she asked, or noticed.

And it won't get better, will it?

When it Works, it Works

The last two visits, from the Health Care Nurses, has really been good. Belinda is her name, and so far, she's the best so far. No rushing, and always seems to have time to listen to Mom. Now don't get me wrong, the other nurses that have been here, have been good, but on a scale of 1 to 10, this one is a 10.

And it should be.

Now the first who came, was good too, and would be an 8.5 or 9 out of 10, which is still damn good. Thing is, when dealing with the elderly, time spent now, means easier time in finding the issues. This is where Belinda excelled at, as she spent the most time.

Granted, the issue that brought them out, has seemed to stabilize now, but it makes you wonder, about those who can't afford health insurance, such as in the USA. How do they cope with such issues, because I know this. If I had to do something to get Mom the help she needed, I would resort to anything, to get her the help.

That is what not having a national health plan, or having a health care system that is for the wealthy, not those who need it, does. It spurs crime, and I don't know, but that just seems so wrong for a society that is supposed to be based on Jewdio-Christian Ethics.

I don't quite get it, anymore. Yet we call ourselves the civilized ones.

When the alarm goes off at night

In the Presidential campaign, Hilary Clinton used her famous, red phone ringing at 3am ad, that tried to make people worry about who would answer that phone, who was ready to deal with the problems, it was heralding. Funny thing, is we all have one of those 'red phones'.

In my case, it is a door chime.

We set up a door chime, where the chime, that makes the noise, is downstairs. The buzzer or ringer, is attached to a string, and we've given it to Mom. The idea being that if she wakes up at night, & needs help, she can just push the button on the ringer, that will make a god awful racket downstairs.

Guaranteed to wake me up, even David, who can sleep through about anything.

Tonight it went off.

It wasn't a serious issue, she was frightened by a reflection of light, against her mirror, and the laundry basket that was close by. It scared her, but let me tell you, it scared the crap out of me.

My heart raced, the chest became tight and I am just now regaining my breathing rhythm. It is my 'red phone' and I can honestly say, no one is ever truly ready for that ringing in the middle of the night, or at a time, when you don't expect to hear it.

Hilary Clinton was trying to score points, and she did, but I can tell her, right now, that as often as I have had my 'red phone' ring, you never get used to it nor are you prepared for it. You never get accustomed to it, and no, your head is not clear, but in a state of near panic. You are running, without even noticing, to get to the source of the ringing, you are sweating too, because you just know, in your gut, it isn't good.

Course, when you find out it isn't your worst nightmare, yet, you start to relax. Maybe you even get a bit angry at being summoned, for something foolish, but that fades with each ring you have to answer. Each time your 'red phone' bongs or shrills its demand for you, you stop worrying about the past, about any resentment, because you know, you hope, it is nothing serious, nothing that will test your will, your faith.

You also know, with a sigh of relief, that this isn't the time, once you are there, facing the caller on the red phone, but even as you feel the adrenalin retreating, the dread tries to leap forward, tries to take its place. In your heart, you know one night, it will ring, and it won't be a simple light reflection in a mirror, or a stumble on the floor.

One night you know your faith will be tested, your resolve, and you pray, as you walk down the stairs, that you will have the stamina, the courage, to deal with it. You pray, knowing too, that really, that is all you can do.

Who answers the red phone at 3am? The one who is there, who never wants it to ring, who knows it will, who can only pray, they can handle what lays behind the shrill call of the phone.

Private vs Public Health Care

Given the income level we have, as a family, if we had to 'pay' for the medical services we use, we wouldn't be living in a house, nor would we have a dog, and frankly, don't think we'd be eating much either. The cost of medication, of nurses in once a week, of home support in twice a week, and all the other sundries would be too costly, for me to manage, or for Dave, Mom, and Me.

Three incomes, and we couldn't cover medical expenses, let alone living costs.

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it, how about FIFTY MILLION AMERICANS MANAGE.

And yet, virtually everyone seems to believe that Private Health Care is the best, and just needs tweaking. I don't know, given how I am using the health care system here, and to some extent, yes, maybe it does have some advantages, but should it?

By that, I mean, why should Public Health not have the same high standards, or why shouldn't Health Care Professionals, give the same level of care, irrespective of who is paying them? Should a Doctor not care as intensely for a poor patient, as he does for one who can bankroll his kids entire college tuition?

Then too, why shouldn't Public Health pay the piper for specific needs, instead of making everything be a " one size fits all " model? In our own circumstances, we are trying to get a local doctor, who does have extra fees, but they are affordable. If I can't make an extra $150 a month, then I am not doing something right.

At the same time though, he shouldn't have to charge those fees, if Public Health would take those extras into account. Plus, it does make sense, and does provide a level of care, that is needed. Maybe not everyone needs it, so certainly it should be on a case by case need, but today we seem to just lump everything into a one size fits all concept.

Hypertension for example, exists as it is. It can also be just as symbolic of a more serious underlying condition, such as clogged arteries, or circulation issues, or even heart conditions. Yet today, Doctors treat it, without checking for the other causes of it. They just do a, " well the majority have it, without other reasons, so here is a pill, go away. " treatment.

It nearly cost my Mother her life 9 years ago, and it may still.

1.5 Million Cars Recalled

GM, being pressured to file bankruptcy, by June 1st, by the US Government, announced a recall of about a million and half vehicles. Many of them, no longer in production. Such excellent timing, for a recall, don't you think?

General Motors Corp. is recalling 1.5 million vehicles because of potential engine fires. ( source - CBC News )

And they wonder why they aren't selling many new cars? Mind you, what is worse, is the US & Canadian Governments are trying their damnest, to give them taxpayer money, to keep them in business.

I don't know, I throw out rotten apples, rotting food, and I don't buy from companies or stores, that sell me rotting food, or rotten apples. How come our Governments want us to?

Billing

Oh man, what a Monday this has been.

FIDO, is our Cel provider, and I have to say, I enjoy their service, until this last couple of months.

David dropped his original phone, got it ran over, and so off we had to go for a new one, at our own expense. Now that I didn't mind, but you know, the quality of service from their own store sucks big time. Got to the point where even telling them I was gonna quit their plan, got me a response of.. go ahead.

That went over well, with me.

However, this issue is that the new phone was a piece of crap from Sony Erickson. I mean bad, and we even had another sent from FIDO itself, as their store couldn't supply us with a replacement for the one we returned. Figures, and here is where the problem gets interesting.

That was all in Feb, and now comes the bills in March, and naturally no credits for the TWO returned phones. Talking to them, resulted in a credit showing for this month, until the wife gets a text saying the account is overdue.

Now that ticked me off, and after an hour talking, I got it resolved, because we don't owe them, they owe us, but hey, it kind of makes me wonder about all the other companies out there. I mean if they use the same billing practices, that FIDO does, well, it is no wonder the world's economy is in the toilet.

I hear that GM is being pressured to file bankruptcy by the government, and that the bad assets stay with the bankrupt company, the good assets go to a new clean company. Haven't gotten to read all the details, but you know, maybe that is our problem, in a nutshell.

TOO MANY GIMMICKS! TOO MANY TRICKS!

I don't know how it works in the States, not sure I know how it works up here anymore, either, but if a company can't make a go of it, it goes bankrupt. The Government doesn't rush in and give it my money, to stay solvent, then tells it to hose its creditors, in order to get more of my money. I mean, something isn't right here, when we resort to those kind of tricks, which really, smack of being a scam.

Take banks, who now, under Stephen Harper, can put bad debt into a separate account, not have to list it, until they sell the bad debt off, like to a collection agency. It no longer appears in their profit/loss statement, and is called a new accounting method, to keep banks solvent, so investors can invest in these banks.

UH, excuse me, but if you loaned out money, that you are going to take a loss on, shouldn't investors know how much that is? And more importantly, shouldn't it be included, in all financial disclosures for that bank, even for depositors? I mean, it DOES alter the financial status of the bank, because it is money they show having loaned, just not recovered. What it DOES NOT SHOW, is how much the BANK IS LOSING.

I mean, just like FIDO, it seems honest math is not important. By honest, I mean real math, where one plus one equals two, not three if the day is rainy.

If GM is unable to meet its bills, is unwilling to change how it does business, why should it get one penny of taxpayer money?

I am not rich, or even well off. Yet I manage to pay the rent, the utilities, and put food on the table. Now, some of those things are being cut back, because times are tough. I am not rushing out to buy a new computer, when it is hard enough to buy the groceries. Yet that is what GM & Others are doing. They pay out bonuses and pay huge salaries to people who have not done the job they were hired to do. These people continue to collect perks, and benefits, while also reaching for taxpayer money.

Now that is simply wrong, in my books, and it sure as hell isn't common sense, now is it?

Dogs Rule

Least in our household. I can't believe I just spent over an hour preparing our pooches vittles. I am serious, it took me about an hour to do, and I have to say, her food isn't what I'd call cheap either.

To begin with, I should say that what I made today, should last about a week.

Now, we stopped using pet food, because our little Jack Russell is, well, stubborn and I can't afford to keep trying dog foods, she winds up not eating. Course that works out for David and his two, yes two, pet rats Maxie and Mugsy. GO figure, but hey, when in love, one makes allowances for quirky things.

So we came across a butcher, which is where we shop for our own meats. They have three pet food blends, chicken, lamb, and beef. Today it was the Chicken to be cooked up.

It is fresh, and frozen, in 2 pound packages, which is okay. Mind you our little tubby girl could go on a diet, along with me, her daddy. Even the wife, David, could afford to lose a pound or two, so he says. Mom on the other hand, needs some fattening up.

Thing is, you have to cook the food, and mix it up with rice. Least that helps extend it, which in today's economy, makes sense. That works out to about $5 a week for her dog food, plus the rice and vegetables. Did I mention that? I add some frozen peas & carrots to her rice, which is brown rice, and that takes about 40 minutes to cook.

At the same time, I am browning her meat, chicken today, and I make sure it is well cooked. Last thing I want is her to get sick, vet bills are not cheap.

So after all the cooking, I wind up with two large pans for cleaning, big fry pan, and a big pot for the rice. I have to mix it all together, then put in a bowl, let it cool, if planning to use tonight. Now, I don't know, but I tell you, I wish I had that kind of a life. Sit around all day, bark at the wind and anyone walking past, poop and piddle, then rest on a doggie pillow, while someone else cleans up after me, cooks for me, and all I gotta do, is once in a while, nestle them.

I mean, really, that is her life, and I sure wish I had it. No bills to worry about, sleep whenever I want, eat when I want, and not even have to worry about making a mess, someone else will clean it up.

Viewing Habits

After watching the musical last night, it got me thinking, which really is a dangerous thing. Normally on a Sunday evening, I watch Bones then usually Numbers that comes on a bit later. Makes for a long night, as Numbers starts at 2am on the channel. Yet, last night, I skipped them both.

Started to watch Bones, which wasn't a bad episode, but one I had seen, and yet, I don't know, it just seemed like it was the wrong thing to watch, if I wanted to keep my peaceful mood. I really did enjoy the escapism of High School Musical.

So, I have been thinking this morning, while making Mom her breakfast, and all, if the shows we are watching, are just too much of a downer for us both? Now, normally during the day the music is on, old style Rock, but after dinner we normally flip around, winding up watching some lame cooking show.

There is no Hogan's Heroes, or Happy Days, or Andy Griffith Shows, on, or even similar ones. Nothing that makes you want to just smile, have a giggle without it being at some racist joke, or stuff like that. I mean there was All In The Family, Roseanne, that really were about being nasty, and I won't even comment on shows like Friends or Seinfeld that really turned me off.

Yet they are the popular ones, or so the media told us. People watched in droves, just as they do today for shows like Survivor or The Apprentice, where being a liar, being a cheat, being ruthless is the goal. I don't quite get that, nor do I feel comfortable in watching them. Maybe it is a flaw in my character, for not wanting to be nasty, cruel, and deceptive. Seems to be the rage, after all have you seen America's Top Model?

Even shows like Top Chef, Chef's School, Hell's Kitchen, are more about anger, about cheating, about lying, than it is about cooking. I don't quite get this, and yet it is popular, so the media says. Makes very little sense to me, because I would think, that if you are running a kitchen, or a company for that matter, you want people who will respect you, listen to you, but also want to make your operation a success.

How can they do that, if they hate your guts, or are scheming to take your place? How can you concentrate on producing a good product, albeit it food or a pair of pants, if you are busy watching your back, from your own staff?

Makes you wonder, because to me, it just makes more sense to have a good relationship with people I work with, for, than not. Lot easier on the nerves, and is one less thing to worry about. Plus, if everyone is working towards the same goal, that can't be a bad thing, can it?

Musicals

Finished watching High School Musical #3 tonight with David & Mom, and enjoyed it. Yes, I enjoyed it, for the music, for the sheer entertainment of not having to see someone get shot, butchered, or cheated or whatever. It was just pure escapism, which, isn't bad.

I mean, so much on the news, never mind television, is about anger, about mayhem, that it is depressing. Isn't life depressing enough, without our entertainment having to constantly remind us of it? Common Sense says that we obviously prefer mayhem and blood being spilled, than we do musicals, or is it simply because that is what Hollywood has convinced us, we want?

I am not a fan of the media, or advertising. Everyone whines about the used car salesmen, or politicians, but you know, I think advertisers are our biggest rip off artists. They try to peddle, with success, their snake oil, and yes, it seems they even manage to change our values, our morals, and our ethics. I mean come on, many commercials today make it seem okay, to lie, to cheat, to steal.

No wonder we are so screwed up, and our world is upside down.

Yet, tonight, I didn't think of it, until now. Not once, because I was lost in the musical, in enjoying seeing Mom smile, and even laugh a bit. She is still weak, tired, but she had fun, and focused on the show, the snappy musical numbers. And that was worth the price of the rental.

I just don't get the same feelings, after watching Bones, or Numbers. I like them, enjoy the interaction among the actors, more than the plot or weeks murder. Still, it is depressing, over the long run, and even the cooking shows, are more based on gaining an edge over the next fella, instead of just cooking.

I don't get it, but I sure wish there were a lot more pure escapist musicals, like this one. And yep, I have seen parts 1 and 2 as well.

An Endless Wait

Not a good night, to be honest. Chest pains, from thinking too much about what is going to eventually happen, and how it will impact me and David. I know, one shouldn't dwell on it, but the heart doesn't always listen to the mind.

I believe that our mind is just an extension of our inner self, that in truth, the heart guides us, and at times, it just won't let the mind use reason, or logic, to determine what we think of, or not. I suppose you could call it your soul talking to you, and maybe that is true, for those who believe we have a soul.

Odd for me, to be thinking so much of GOD, but then again, given how things are, maybe it isn't so odd. Maybe that is a defense mechanism man has developed, for when things are out of their hands, out of their control. To look to another being, for the answers, even if we don't get any. Maybe it is selfish, but I want Mom to live as long as possible, even though I can see it in her eyes, that she wants to move on.

Her believe, and mine, is that there is an after life. I find it hard to accept that when our physical being ends, that is it. There are so many things that make us unique, that to me, there has to be more than just the years we are on this planet. I don't know what it is, but I guess I am being whimsical, in hoping there is more.

Yet, I see it in her eyes, how she longs for that place she's believed in, and in how she hopes Dad is there, and her own parents. I hope they are, and I hope I too will find them, but that doesn't make the waiting easy. Part of me wants her to be at peace, to not struggle with the simple chores like eating, like walking, and so I imagine that the next phase of her being, will ease that, will be happier, less stressful, and yet I can't be certain of it.

Faith is about believing in what you cannot prove, or see. Yet it is easy to say, I believe, but a lot harder to actually mean it. Perhaps that is the test, itself. Death may be final, and there may indeed be no after life, and yet how we deal with it, how we cope in preparing for it, is part of just being. At the same time, it becomes the ultimate test of our faith.

Do we truly believe in him?

If we do, then we may grieve, may suffer, but ultimately we wind up accepting the end, and hold onto the dream, that we will one day, meet back up with those who have left us. I don't know, but this endless waiting, is not easy, faith is not as simple as it sounds.

Life is hard

I don't know, I really feel like things are slipping fast, and it worries me, because it is hard to come to terms with. Mom is 91 and until this most recent issue with her bowels, has been doing okay. I wonder at it, because she's also lost about 20 pounds, and in a short time.

Myself, I think it is because she has been having normal bowel movements, but then taking laxatives, to correct, what may be an imaginary problem, has made her weak. And she is much weaker. Her walking is very slow, very limited, and her strength, to get up from her chair, is waning.

Yet she eats well, and while she doesn't drink enough, she does okayish. Still, she is losing strength, and today, hasn't managed to gain an ounce. At best she's the same as last week, at worse she's lost a half pound. That can't be good, given how much she's eaten too.

And nothing back from the lab yet, or the doctor from her blood workup over a week and half ago. It is scary, because while I am 54, she is still my mother, and maybe I am still just her kid, but we've been through a lot, and I don't want to think of losing her.

I know, it's stupid, lame and unrealistic, but she is my mother, you don't just cope with that, or accept it. You can't, not if you love someone, and yet it seems, that is what we do, we cope. I don't know if I can, really. Tears well up, for no reason, or so it seems, and no matter how much I tell myself to be strong, it seems to not work.

How do you stand by, with a sense of such helplessness?

Right now, I just want to scream, to yell my head off and how do you talk about those things, with her, or with your own partner? I mean David is just 31, and yet, I don't know, it is like he is more the type to just ignore it, to not think of it, which maybe works for him, but it is a bitch for me. How can I talk to him, about my fears, when he looks to me for strength? How can I talk to her about them, when she relies on me to be strong?

Life sucks.

Responsibility

As a webmaster, who operates adult orientated sites, I wonder a lot, about why it is, somehow my obligation to prevent someone else's kid from entering my site? I also wonder why it is necessary for me, to put up all kinds of warnings, to not offend those who stumble upon my sites?

Seems strange to me, that parents would allow such privacy to their kids, that includes giving them cell phones, a computer in their bedroom, and some, their own credit card. I mean, when I was a kid, everytime the phone rang, it was my parents who answered it, and if it was me, they always asked who called. Even if it was a wrong number, they wanted to know.

Homework was always done at the kitchen or dining room table, never far away from the folks. No closed bedroom doors allowed, not even when my cousin would come over to play, or friends would drop by. When I went out, I had a curfew, there was no need to call, because I knew I had to be home at a certain time. Period.

Buying stuff with my allowance, was still subject to their approval. I mean if I blew my entire allowance on gum, or comic books, that was my problem. No daddy or mommy reaching into their pocket to get me the latest pair of sun glasses, or a fancy new toy to play with. If I couldn't manage my own money, they weren't going to bail me out.

So how, and more importantly, when, did all that change?

It certainly didn't make me any less happy, nor did it change my lifestyle, but I know how to manage my money today, and I know how to insure that I get value for my buck. I know that what I talk about, is open for others to read, so I watch my language. Yet at the same time, I also know that I am entitled to believe what I wish to, that I am allowed to discuss racey topics with those who want to know about it, or believe in them too.

What I don't get, is when did I have to become a babysitter for someone else's kid, simply because they can't be bothered to keep an eye on their own kid? Should they not be sitting there, insuring their kid isn't in some adult chat room, or watching porn? Should they not also have blocking filters set and operating? All computers come with it, these days, and yet they never seem to work.

Guess they forgot, for stuff to work, YOU HAVE TO TURN IT ON!

Trusting Souls We Are

Was checking the latest plugin releases, for Wordpress, and came across a new anti spam plugin. Now I am happy with Akismet, but one needs to always look ahead. It kind of struck me, though, at how trusting we are, when it comes to stuff like this.

I mean, do you know who these guys are? How DO you know, that the code they are using, isn't cloaking something nefarious, or dangerous?

Just like, well grocery shopping. We TRUST the supermarket, that when it says something is fresh, it is. We TRUST that the product isn't previously frozen, or hasn't been left out of refrigeration for long, but how DO WE KNOW?

Strange how we are so willing to TRUST strangers.

Drug Prescriptions

Here in B.C., the government has announced it will give naturalpath physicians the ability to write prescriptions, for drugs. It has also increase the role of Registered Nurses, giving them limited rights to authorize drugs as well, which could be a good thing, as it applies to emergencies.

However, I wonder, what drugs do naturalpaths need to prescribe? Isn't their whole concept about using nature, not chemicals, for treatment? So just what kind of drugs will be prescribed, and how are we going to monitor this increased number of prescriptions?

It worries me too, about the way drug companies do business, so what added precautions are going to be in place, to insure kickbacks, and other scams, aren't allowed? Morals & Ethics seem to drop away, when a pile of cash is waved in front of people, just look at our elected officials, for proof of that.

New regulations, announced by Health Services Minister George Abbott on Thursday, also significantly expand the role of other health professionals, including midwives and registered nurses. ( source - CBC News )

Seems to me, we are rushing to do things, simply because there is an upcoming election. Now I know, in theory, it makes sense, but shouldn't we also include increasing the way we monitor prescription use? It is a major form of drug abuse, these days, and yet here we are, giving more access, instead of insuring that what access we are giving, is safe.

At Gay Talk, ( my main political blog, on my adult site ) I discuss this in more detail, if you are interested.

Software Updates

Being a computer user, and a webmaster, I tend to use a lot of programs. Especially for my blogging, and it irks the hell out of me, at how these big name outfits, Google included, that rush their software out, then spend the next year sending out patches, or updates.

I mean, maybe if they simply took a few extra weeks, or even months, and got it right the first time, I wouldn't spend an eternity updating stupid plugins, or changing code on pages, because gee, what they originally provided didn't work right, or had some bug.

I mean, what, they are so greedy to beat the other guy, or so wrapped up in being first out of the gate, that they can't deliver a quality product?

Standards

This one amazes me. I mean, okay you have a quota of new recruits you need for your operation. Fair enough, as you need to grow, and all that, and I can see where you might want to look at the standards you require before you hire someone.

Sure, ideally you want the cream, but hey, you can't always get the cream, right?

Fine, if you are digging a ditch, filling in potholes, but not fine if you are giving them a gun, a badge, or a license to kill. I am sorry, but I don't want some high school dropout, or failure, to become a cop and working the streets I live on.

I also don't want someone who can't run a set distance, without puffing and wheezing, because I would kind of like them to catch the crook, not wind up in hospital with a coronary. At the same time, if they can't catch them, sure as hell don't want them using their gun either, I mean the fleeing felon might simply be a shoplifter.

Nor do I want some gang member, or drug addict, to get in, simply because they met the height requirement, or were the only want interested in the signing bonus, to wind up learning how to use a M16 or drive an Abrams Tank.

Yet up here, the RCMP are thinking of lowering their standards, for recruits, which just, well, makes me nervous. Of course, the US Army has done that already, and well, just how well is that war going in Iraq?

Instead of lowering the standards, common sense tells me, we should be looking at why we can't get enough people to meet those standards. Is there a dearth of them, or is the remuneration, the benefits, simply not up to par, in enticing those kind of candidates to join?

Seems today, we automatically go for the easy solution, which is to simply drop the standards. Only problem is, eventually you hit rock bottom, and I don't know, sure don't want those kind of people in charge of looking after my streets, how about you?

Also, kind of begs the question, why is it in economic hard times, we cut police, fire, & ambulance services? Aren't those the things we will need more of, not less?

Life Ain't Easy

They keep saying, the older you get, the easier things get, but you know, I kind of think that the opposite is true. Life is not easy, as an adult, especially if you have an ounce of common sense. I mean think about it, today we are inundated with crappy products, there is little, if any way, to know if the food you buy is safe, is even from where the damn label says it is.



You see people around you getting rich, but they lie, steal, cheat, and are, well, just not nice, and you wonder, how come the bad guys do get ahead? I mean seriously, doesn't it want to make you be like them? After all, they are all role models, held up to be the best of the best, and so what if they take steroids or do other illegal stuff, they are the best.



Take all the Hollywood big shots, who are in and out of rehab as if there is a revolving door for them. I wonder, do some have their own private suite, reserved just for them, seeing as how they are there so often? Of the one I love, is how they get to hang onto their kids, while if you or I did half the stuff they did, we'd never see our kids again, even on visiting day. But not them, so it does make you wonder.




We are all very proud, of how far our civilization, our society, has advanced, and yet I wonder just how true that claim is. I mean, back in the really old days, the rich got away with whatever they wanted, because, well they were rich. Today, how many super stars, how many uber elite, are tossed in jail, or even brought to trial, for crimes like embezzlement, fraud, DUI, drug use, and yeah, even murder?

Guess things really haven't changed, have they?

What is Wealth?

Gotta wonder, given all the news about bank failures, about industry losses, corporate disasters, at just how did it all happen? I mean, the crash really wasn't a quick happening, so how did so many miss the signs? Did they even look at the signs, or did they just ignore them? If so, why?

I think it simply comes down to the money. I mean why is it, that we figure we need so much more, than we really do?

I am not rich, far from it actually, least when it comes to money, assetts, but there are some things I have, that makes me feel super rich. I may not be able to eat out every night, certainly a lot less than say a year ago, but why is that even important?

I have a loving partner, David, and we have a dog, who is really quite a handful, but we also have mother still with us. I mean how many can say that? I lost Dad five years ago, and I don't want to even think, about losing her, so why do we ignore those riches?

Why are those things, less important, when we add up our wealth?

Business Failures

There is a lot in the news these days, about the Auto Industry, and how it needs loads of taxpayer cash, in order to stay in business. Our Illustrious leader, Stephen Harper, is planning to guarantee the new car warranties for both GM & Chrysler, but you have to ask yourself, when is enough, enough?

I don't get it, because you know, the other auto makers aren't begging for bailouts, and are in fact holding their own. In Germany they offer large rebates, for people who trade in older vehicles for new ones, yet not here.

Here, Harper hands over cash, without any plan in place to protect my money, and yours, and he claims it is to protect worker jobs. However, given the fact that they are closing plants, that jobs are already being pared down by both GM & Chrysler, kind of says, that is just pure B.S.

I don't get it, because Chrysler already owes Canada about a Billion dollars in back taxes, and God only knows at what else they owe. Their big bosses have threatened to pull out, if they don't get what they want, including huge wage concessions. Now I don't know, but would you or I be able to owe back taxes, in any amount? And then, be able to get a bailout package?

Common Sense tells you, a company that is failing, that is near bankruptcy, isn't a good risk for keeping its word. Yet Harper & others, are willing to trust them, which really, makes No Sense. Yet everyone is urging huge bailouts of these failed businesses, and the truth is, why? They have failed to change with the times, failed to deliver products that people will buy, yet we are willing to hand over billions to them?

Politically Incorrect

I am not politically correct. I call things, as I see them, and question things, many won't, simply because that is how I was raised. It might upset your sensibilities, but tough, this is my space and well, why pretend to be who I am not?

It just seems to me, we worry too much about being politically correct, that while it is okay to be polite, okay to consider other's feelings, lying to them, or being phony, well, seems wrong. I dont quite understand the hypocrisy that goes on today.

If I don't like you, why do I have to pretend I do? If I disagree with you, why do I have to pretend that I do?

Why is it, that we have to come up with fancy words, to replace the real honest ones, simply to make it seem okay? Take the concept of 'risk management' when it comes to determining your search engine strategies. Some will say, "well the rules state this, but if you do this, it'll help, even though that is considered breaking the rules."

They call it risk management, when the truth is, you are CHEATING. It is wrong, but we justify it, by giving it a whole different name. Now take another of my favorite, which is Torture.

Bush called it 'intensive interrogation' or some other bullshit, but the truth of the matter is, it was then, is now, TORTURE. However, because it is the supposed 'good guys' doing it, well, then it can't be torture, but just aggressive interrogation techniques.

Doesn't make sense to me.

Now the one that really gets my goat, is the term 'Activist Judges' as it applies to Judges who make controversial rulings. Such as the Gay Rights rulings say in Iowa, or in California. How can any Judge be an activist? I mean, they are hired to interpret the law, and rule on whether or not some form of that law, is being violated.

Where the Judges who ruled that segregation was against the US Constitution activists or jurists who simply did their job? A judge, and what they believe in, shouldn't matter. It is about their ability to interpret the meanings, the spirit, behind the legal mumbo jumbo, and decide, if the case before them, is upholding those laws, or infringing upon them.

The rulings, regarding Gays, are just that, and no it isn't even about Gay Rights. It is about protecting the very freedoms, that everyone says they hold dear. It is about the rule of law, of insuring that even a small minority, is treated the same.

How does ruling in their favor, become Activism?

Content Issues

I am an adult, least my age says I am, though at times I suppose some people wonder. That doesn't matter really, because legally I am an adult, and I work in the adult field, online.

Yes I am one of 'those' which rather ticks me off. I mean we all have sex, it is part and parcel of our daily lives, if we are lucky, so why all the fuss about those who work in that field?

We call ourselves a 'civilized society' and yet when someone mentions the word 'sex' we all go into a tizzy, like we are shocked that there is even something called that, or that one would dare to even say it out loud. No wonder our society is so mixed up, where we are aghast at those who proclaim their sexuality, their desire for it, and yet aren't amazed at how many lies our elected leaders tell us.

I am religious in the sense that I believe in GOD. However, I am no expert on it, but you gotta wonder if the Bible is real, how come so many who follow it are so outraged at sex. I mean the first part of the bible deals with nothing but who had who, and that only comes from having sex, or did I miss something?

On occassion, I will reference my political blog, but note please, it is on my adult server, and while the overwhelming links are to non adult material, given it is a political blog, there still are some links to my other adult rated sites. Follow those at your own desire, but I am not ashamed of what I do, and am proud of my work.

That too, irks me. I shouldn't have to be made to feel ashamed, for writing fiction, that is, in my mind, realistic. I mean, when we go out, sex plays a part of it. Sure we go to a bar, or out to dinner, to unwind, relax, but if single, you know that wanting to hook up is on the mind. You know, that when you go out on a date, you are hoping to do more than just connect on some platonic level, that your animal instincts are.

That is, what I write about, and why should that preclude my opinions on other things, like politics, like religion, be automatically suspect? After all, we all do things some will find objectionable, so why should those who work in the adult industry, be looked down upon?

Morning Ritual

The urge to write seems to always come over me, as I sit upstairs, while Mom has her breakfast. I suppose the first few posts, should be explanatory in nature, because they won't make much sense otherwise. Then too, who in the hell is going to go to the first posts, to find out this stuff? Kind of a conundrum isn't it?

That is one thing about using my own blog, I can add a page outside the loop, that has all this stuff, which doesn't seem to be available here, so bear with me. Not a novice, but this is rather a basic program.

Truth is, I am 54, married legally to a great guy, and we both live with my 91 year old mother. I am her primary care giver, or whatever term you want to call it. It is one reason why I work online, as really, she can't be left alone for long periods.

David works now, in an auto repair place, but he used to work for an Indonesian Import firm, that is, well on its way out of business. No, not due to the economy, but due to the stupidity of the owner. Least that is our view, but hell, we seem out of step on what is proper, what isn't, these days.

Truth of the matter is, this is my life these days. And I have to say, it gives one a new perspective on life, too, when you have to look after someone who is ninety one, and whose health is failing. It is especially hard, considering the closeness between yourself, and that person.

Death is so final, and yet, if you believe in GOD, you are supposed to accept that in reality, death is not final. A contradiction, of common sense, and yet a matter of faith.

Unlike my other blogs, this is about today, about not the sexual aspect of our life, or mine either, but about just living in this ever changing world, that we are on. I don't pretend to have the answers, or to claim to be right about what I say, but I do believe it is worth exploring, worth mentioning, if for no other reason, than to just vent, in order to cope.

Economy Woes

I am a political junkie. I happen to have been raised on politics, and am involved in what I call, being an independent. Not the Lou Dobbs kind, but one who will decide who to vote for, after I hear what they stand for.

I also am opposed to the way today's political parties, try to con us, the people, while shelling out billions of our money to big corporations, all because they say, we are in an economic downturn.

Now, keep in mind, I am up in Canada, so mainly my comments are about our screwed up politics, because I believe it is screwed up. Not that I am an expert, but then there is that too. How do so many become such experts, on all things, when the truth is, they can't even begin to fathom how I think, or feel?

The more I watch the news, the more I am inclined to believe that most of the economic crisis we face, is manufactured. I mean how can we guarantee over 75 Billion to banks, and not see any appreciative changes? How can we provide billions to auto makers, who have no plan on how they plan to turn their failing business around? Yet that is exactly what our Government is doing, and it makes me wonder, when did common sense & logic go out the window?

When they were elected?

54 Years Old

It is the end of the day, and the end of another birthday.

Not sure why I even started this blog, as in my real life, I manage quite a few blogs, though they are all adult in nature. Maybe I just need a place, to not have to worry about which picture to use, or whatever.

Perhaps, I just want a place to vent, to be myself, and not see or find fellow adult webmaster's commenting, or maybe I just am looking for a change of pace, from the daily grind of trying to survive, and make a buck.

Who knows, but then too, maybe I am looking to vent, to try and figure out why so many object to sex, or to gay's? I mean, what is about mainstream society, and sex? When did it become dirty, and yet is something virtually everyone thinks about, and does?

Then too, what is it about being gay, that gets people's dander up so much? Is it the sex, or is it that it is simply different? I mean homosexuality has been around longer than organized religion. Back in around 1450 BCE, Ancient Greeks practiced it, called it Pederasty, and it was not only accepted, but embraced.

So why now, do so many simply become angry or disgusted, at what really isn't anything to do with them? I mean, if you believe in GOD, which I happen to, then it follows that he is the one who created me, and my fellow gays. So how can you despise something HE created?

Maybe that is why I started this blog, to sort of try and figure it all out.